dawgz

For some reason I had moved in with this guy I used to 'see' (don't know what to classify it as) and my friend, it was a constant battle zone between us and a horrific time. One night his mother came round, she had the body of a human but the head of a black pug. She came to our house to drop off this guys siblings for us to babysit over the weekend, all of a sudden there were like 50 dogs running around, all different breeds. It made me so mad, I was yelling at my friend "why the fuck are there all these dogs??!!!" She told me to chill out because they were our housemate's brothers & sisters. In a fit of rage I emailed an old friend about the ridiculous situation, somehow this set off a curse & anyone who the story was repeated to would die of a heart attack at the age of 22 or a multiple of 22.

roots

Hey, I've finally found an excuse to blog and no I'm not about to go into detail of my last dream where I was pulling chicken strips (covered in Napolitana sauce) from my nostrils...I'm going to tell you how I am once again sick at home, lucky for me my housemate is also and I have bleach to re-do my roots! I have to make sure my minimal 'natural' hair matches my hair pieces/extensions and so I can keep pretending I'm a Madonna/Lil'Kim/Gwen Stefani hybrid.
A day like today is also the perfect excuse to play with my wigs and neon eye shadow (and never have to actually put proper clothes on). I recieved some terrific news this morning that finally my magenta wig has arrived at my parents' house after a month of waiting for it so life is pretty pos at the moment.
Now all I need is my health & a good party.
Proudly purchased only two pairs of new sunglasses online which I will impatiently wait for, I'm happy that I stopped myself there and moved onto my hair.
Just letting you in on some life details that are neither funny nor necessarily exciting to read but heck I could be going on about how I have like three imaginary boyfriends and how I distract myself with videos of cats doing tricks!!


Cheerz.x

Ruling the kingdom of....

Procrastination, I'm the queen of it.
I'm coming up with new and exciting ways to get out of cleaning my room. Tonight to avoidi my ever growing pile of clothes and wigs covering my floor I watched Human Centipede which was not a good one to eat dinner after (although I wanted to sing love songs to my delicious Afghan bread), I then after dinner proceeded in dying my menky left over hair extensions in pretty pastel colours. After blow drying my pretty pink, purple and peach extensions I walked back into my room, press play on T-Pain and kid myself into thinking it was room clean time...
I just sat on my bed and plated my extensions.
To end this pointless boring blog entry, does anyone else agree that the surgeon in Human Centigross look like and act like an older version of Chuck Bass from GG? I feel like Mac in season 7 It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. :( Beer on a week night :(
Anyway... here are some pretty pictures, and until my next interesting cheese fueled dream, ciao xx


















P.S. I dedicate this post to Jenna Marbles and her hilarious videos, especially things to do when you're not cleaning your room, my activities are not nearly as hilarious. No noodle punching going on here nor do I have any cute pets to accompany me, just cats on youtube (or talk to my cat on the phone when I call my parents).

Put your lighters up until your acrylics melt!

So I'm sitting here at my parents' house deliriously filing down my acrylic talons in preparation to type this entry despite my heavy head from lack of sleep I NEED TO GET THIS DONE WHILE THE MEMORY IS FRESH!
Last night one of my biggest life dreams came true, as you know (if you know me personally or read my blog) I am obsessed with Lil' Kim beyond the globe and I was itching to see her live anywhere and anyway. There was a great struggle to get the top tickets, after they sold out I had to settle for a back of the arena GA which was obviously no where near close enough to the Queen Bee for me. I fought tooth and nail to get me them Bling Ring tickets, I went the extra mile in a video competition which I won.
I'm damn proud, I was also damn excited to find out that it would be shown in front of a large audience on a huge screen at every show...there for Kim would have to see it at least once!!! This was enough to make me splurt tears of happiness and act like a 14 yr old Justin Beiber fan. Not pretty.
I won't bore you with the crap parts i.e. Not getting my tickets in the mail and having a great deal of trouble on the night at the box office picking them up or.... my video never actually playing at the show as promised or... the disgracefully disrespectful people in the crowd not letting my girl and I get through to the absolute front even though they clearly didn't appreciate Miss White the way we do ( I recall screaming "IT'S THE QUEEN BEE BITCHES, YOU GUYS ARE FUCKED, WHY AREN'T YOU MOVING AND GETTING INTO THIS?? SHOW HER SOME GOD DAMN RESPECT!!!")-Agressive Lorelei at a gig syndrome.
Lil'Kim was incredible, her perfomance was on point. She rapped perfectly without backing tracks but with a live band and had fantastic back up dancers. Not to mention she was in great shape from head to toe, sang Ri Ri's part in her remix of Man Down, Cheatin' and sounded better than Rihanna herself! Her energy was off the chain, she blew my mind and one point looked at me, eye contact was definetly detected! You could imagine how I felt when she said "Where are my Hard Core fans? This one is Biggie's favourite" and continued into Queen Bitch "I am a diamond cluster hustler". She closed with Lighters Up, and naturally I held one up until my acrylic nail melted and my thumb tip was blistered.
There were other acts after her but I felt like what I needed to see was seen and what I wanted was fufilled. My heart was just overwhelmed with love and up most respect. Hands down the best half hour of my entirely life.
Just a funny note, outside the 'stage' area, some dorky guy called out to my friend "Hey Nicki Minaj" which started a small scale grrl riot amongst my crew and caught the security staffs' attention. They walked over and asked if he had offended us in someway, "Yes... what he said was the most disrepectful thing".
Turns out this guy and his friends were causing trouble through out the night and they were willing to kick him out. My friend felt a bit guilty and ran up to him and the security guards.
"You need to respect the Queen Bee and all women" I believe they were her words.
And so should you.
We departed the arena chanting Black Friday and performing an accapella rendition of Big Momma Thang. On that note...
Good evening ladies & gentlemen.

14th under Ri Ri

As you should all know by now, all of the 13 people in the UK who read my blog or whoever, I love Lil' Kim (understatement) and last year was heartbroken when she canceled her show here not once but twice (re-announced and then re-canceled due to Visa issues). Damn our borders and guidelines in Australia for being so strict but it seems Kim has put in the hard yakka to get that working Visa and is headlining for WINTERBEATZ festival next month!!!!!!!! Unfortunately I'm tardi with checking ticket sales and have missed out on the top notch ones, so instead of backing down and going for second best I will whinge and whine my way to getting a VIP or shall I say 'bling ring' standard of ticket.
It's really important that I'm up close as I can possibly be to this woman, she means so much to me... this is why a friend of mine an equally as enthused Kimmy fan suggested we get a hotel room in the ritziest hotel closest to the venue in order to 'bump into' her.
Just like Troy in Community when he meets his idol I'll probably stand there stunned and speechless. It's worth it.

NOW THIS IS WHERE IT GETS REALLY EXCITING: Yesterday I google image searched Lil' Kim green corset to find this picture...


But instead of getting this image of Kim at the 44th Grammy Awards, in between Ri Ri a couple of random Kim snaps and Nicki Minaj rearing her ugly mug ... in 14th place was my face! Fuck! Who's happy? Me.. yes. Tagging every god damn blog entry from now on.
Yours sincerely, Lorelei for team QueenBee!

Death row

I have not so recently come to the conclusion that I consume a ridiculous amount of cheese (and many different kinds) late at night which results in upset tummies in the early hours and disturbingly vivid dreams. Admittedly I have been doing this on purpose to have the strange dreams, otherwise what else would I tell people during the day at work? There is only so much I can rant about my latest flame or the last wig I purchased/the upcoming.
A few weeks ago I had a really horrible nightmare that my father was purposely ignoring me and leaving me out of things because I refused his invitation to go fishing with him, I woke up crying and felt really terrible all day. I made sure I called him and he told me not to have anymore mean dreams about him, it worked! A few nights later I had another dream about my dad but the content was more extreme...Basically our neighbour's daughter followed me into my house (parents') and I was thinking to myself I hate this girl, why is she following me? When my dad got home from work we decided to murder her, except she wasn't human anymore, she had turned into a life sized doll with legs made from stuffed pantyhose.
Of course that made it easier to violently thrash her to a pulp with various. It took a while but the job was complete by dark, we had to dispose of the remains out the back in the lane. Outside the gate was the man who we bought the tools from waiting by his ute for payment. He held swiped dad's credit card on a portable EFTPOS machine and shook his head at the screen " this is way too much, I can't charge you this!" The total cost of our killing supplies worked out to be 10 grand, the man offered to pay for it himself along with his own tools.
The man pointed to the tray of his ute which was stacked full of torso mannequins (male)
"It's easy when you have the right tools, but I just can't get rid of this!!"
He looked down at his hands which were covered in peeled skin and blood. At that moment my father and I looked at each in horror, as we then realised we had actually killed someone.

As disturbing as the content of the dream may have been I was really proud that dad and I should real father daughter teamwork in this and followed through with a difficult task successfully. Ha.
Dad reckons I've been watching too much of The Sopranos.
He's most likely right.

Madonna in Art.

Pretty much can't say much other than I lost my shit in Savers today when my friend found the book "MADONNA IN ART" thirty bucks later I've added to my reedonkulusly large collection of Madonna related 'things'. I am now in danger of buying dodge Madonna fan art off eBay and plastering my walls with it. Oh yeah I'm a mad woman. MAD DONNA
wow. Terrible 'it's bed time' joke.

Livin' on borrowed time

... It's taken me a while to write anything due to a few reasons, A: I've become increasingly stupid in the last few weeks B: Lost my blog 'hard on' since someone told me they actually read it and started quoting parts of my blog to me, no negative nor positive feedback so it just freaked me out... and yeah general business with work, dealing with the dickheads of this world.
Lucky I waited because I have a hideous tale of boganism to tell everyone (all three people who read my blog)! Last friday night I played the role of loyal friend quite decently by agreeing to accompany a friend of mine to Ferntree Gully (whoop whoop) Hotel for her new 'friend's' work drinks. She didn't want to go out there alone, but she felt mean refusing the invite. We expected a quiet daggy RSL or pub with a few bogans, so thought we'd at least be able to survive that with each others' support however we were rudely confronted with this 'glitzy' eighties themed night-full blown 29 dollar cover charge style! Fuck off. We were greeted at the door by a bunch of middle aged women dressed in 80's attire and smokin' fags.
"Are youz two girls lesbians?"
Cool, from the word go they were making homophobic cracks at my friend and I, keep in mind these women had crimped hair and acid wash denim on...well something along those lines anyway. My jaw literally dropped when we found out we had to pay for this night of hell, we were pretty much trapped in a room filled with bad mullets and an Irish 80's cover band which opened with a really GREAT racist Bin Laden joke with a sheep fucking theme. Oh the crowd went wild for them, especially when they brought a member of The Models up on stage to bust out some tracks, the lead singer had this Rod Stewart look going on and refused to remove his sunglasses like a real rock star. THERE WAS A JIM BEAM MURAL ON THE FRIGGIN' WALL!!!!
We were cashless, pretty much relying on my friend's little shaved headed mate to purchase us beers all night (no way I would be living if there was no alcohol involved) and at this point I turned to my friend and said "chop my arm off, I don't want to live", tears streaming down my face.

You may think that's a dramatized version of my reaction but it's the complete truth and it was in no way an over reaction. The people surrounding me looked mean, I had this feeling like all the shag permed women wanted to pin me to the wall and beat the crap out of me.
A bald man in a BAD Hawaiian shirt gave me the eye, I threw up in my mouth then got distracted by the very serious dancing to Goanna- Solid Rock (I do like this song). My friend and I were looking for an escape so we headed outside for a ciggie, I'm not a smoker but this was clearly an extreme circumstance.

Outside in the cramped smoking area we met a young lady named Kylie who confidently grabbed our faces and told us we were too gorgeous to be hanging out with the guy we were with. Flattering I guess but she was laying on the compliments thickly and she made me uncomfortable with all the groping.

A women walked past and sneakily flashed the mini champagne bottle she was stuffing in the pocket of her black cargo pants "better hide this ey".

This crusty young, 'trendy' guy with badly formed dreadlocks and a tie-dyed t-shirt asked to take our photograph for some facebook page, once we told him he already asked us inside and the answer was no he got really embarrassed. He repeatedly kissed his index finger and middle finger at us.

OH ... I couldn't count the number of 'bald with long plated mullet' hairstyles the gentlemen were sporting or the number of really bad tattoos, Kylie's being a ying yang with a border of yellow vines under her breasts. Yes she flashed me.
Because we were relying on a lift home, we didn't get out of there until 12.30am, "Ferntree Gully Hotel next weekend?"
HELLZ NO.


:( BOOO...

I had to really pull off the rest of my weekend in style, dirty dancehall dancing at a party the following night. Think the video of Sean Paul's - Get Busy...












*** have a new friend. Her name is Aly. We do our groceries together. She lives around the corner. :)***

Only the Lonely

And not just a catchy song (or two, or more).. it's my life right now. My three beautiful housemates have neglected me for more than a few nights and I'm going mad. I'm actually excited to go to work and talk to people. The other day my mother didn't even have time to come in for a cuppa...really sad. The upside of being home alone though is I can be a stinky messy dork who dances hardcore in the lounge room to hip hop and no one will know (until I broadcast it on the web), but really it doesn't measure up to the great company I usually have in this house. Last night I was fearing for my life because I swear I heard footsteps! I had to stay up and keep guard, keeping myself calm with adorable Pac Div video clips. I MIGHT JUST SLEEP WITH A KNIFE TONIGHT!!! GAAAAH... I'm going mad, I actually put a washing basket on my back today at work and pretended to be a turtle.
Shit. Hot. Damn.
Oh and I ended the day by doing the dishes and salting a slug.
Fun. Well Hopefully the Easter break will bring me company and fun!

Outfit good, flatters butt: team sports

Outfit good, flatters butt: team sports

team sports

It's probably because I'm very much getting back into AFL because my team is actually playing properly and winning games but last night I had a really odd dream, I was at this football stadium watching a match from the 1970's. The game was projected onto the ground so it was like one of those virtual video games and it was like a real life footy match. They had different years you could choose from, dad and I were then going to buy tickets to see the 1993 grand final. So cool.

Anyway.. speaking of team sports, I successfully avoided a tournament of 'family' cricket at some work related picnic today due to bi-polar weather and lack of team members, FEWF!! Saved by rain my dear friend Courtney and I went to our favourite eatery in the city, Dumpz but we found it difficult to eat to the sound of Dionne Warwick singing 'I'll Never Fall in Love Again' (just one verse and chorus) on loop as if the record was broken. I just wanted to bash my head against the greasy wood veneered walls or stab those red plastic chopsticks in my ears!
We then went home and searched for Japanese Spritz puppies on the trading post and decided we sort of need one between the two of us, I mean have you seen what these dogs look like???

OH, almost forgot... Black Friday mixtape is now in my possession- Proudly listening to it on repeat.

Do the Kimmy gurl rock.xx

.Channelling.Paully.D.

Last night was the long anticipated Camp Camp Revolution DR3/\MZ album launch ft. Br00KLYN QUEENZ dj duet and boy was it part tech-disaster part the best thing that ever happened. Despite costume malfunctions (deliberate) and major technical difficulties (they had no bloody lights and ONE cd deck!!!) CCR performed fantastically and made heaps of mula to fund ligit album printing, can I get a whoop whoop?? They also revealed a spanking new track. DE ZI NA SHIT.

Because I didn't actually get to dj properly last night (basically could play one cd) I've been sitting in my loungeroom on Virtual DJ, so you should probably play this video as a soundtrack to this entry...A very very lazy DJ set.




Just don't concentrate on my face just listen please, by the way the wig is green.
Before I got distracted by shiny nylon hair I was responsibly 'scrubbing the deck'. The front porch no longer looks like the front of the Young Ones' house and more like a dignified lady house.
I worked out a nifty speaker to laptop set up which made cleaning and disturbing the neighbourhood much easier.
Best part of the day after is I get dinner cooked for me by a certain Ms.A.Briggs B-Arch. YUM. NIGHT BITCHEZ



XX

Wednesday night

I will sleep well tonight, I got my long awaited Barbie platinum wig!!!
Here's a video of me opening the parcel with my top half on, listening to my favourite radio show- THE JUMP ROPE.



I'm just happy because I needed this to complete my Americana costumes for my upcoming gig with Camp Camp Revolution.
http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/event.php?eid=212464795437410
This was just a quickie post.
Night
XX

:..:':Leggings:NEW

Something about a pair of fresh patterned leggings make me feel like I have nicer legs:

The day that followed the worst night's sleep

Last night was a scream away from a night of peaceful rest. I got about 3 zeds when I should have been getting my thousands,I tossed and turned, got up for toilet breaks. Horrible typical sleepless wednesday. Thursday mornings are my early starts so the night before I'm riddled with 'sleeping in' paranoia and kept awake by UIB (unidentified insect bites). I basically lay awake scratching until my thighs were bruised and running through a list of famous serial killers in my head. Blah...however with a bad night came a good day. Perhaps when I'm half asleep and zombie'ing about at work I have the most fluent and interesting conversations with customers.

There is a regular, he is an elderly gentleman who tends to ramble/mumble. Every time he sees me tells me never live in the country when I'm old, because there are no hospitals close, no one to help you when you're in trouble. Death wish.
Today he hobbles in and greets as per usual.. "hello lady, don't live in the country when you're old. Put up your hand."

I proceed, I hold my left hand up to show him.
"Ahh.. good, you got to keep your wings, you need them to fly."

Right on old man, yes.. yes, I pretend like I know what the hell he is going on about and continue to offer him a cold glass of water.

"I wouldn't be offended. If this was back in the day and you were 30 and .. what's your name? Ah.. and you had seven children I would say to you you're a good girl."

Again I had absolutely no clue what he was saying so I just laughed and hoped I'd never have seven children.

"Never say never, but once you hit 40 get yourself a companion. A cat or a dog is good for.."
He begins tapping his forehead with his hand.

"A Doctor once said to me as a young man, you must have a companion it helps with your .."
He taps his head again.
"I had two working class poodles, cats and dogs are good for you."

I couldn't agree more, I've always found the best company in my working class domestic feline friends.
Before this gentlemen left my work place he told me to keep my wings, I need them to fly, I said back to him keep yours too and he replied..
"I'm trying to keep out of an old blokes' home"

Aren't we all, aren't we all.

"All my love, Lil Kim"

I've always been one for obsessions, if I like something I give it my all. I'm loyal to people such as Madonna and Lil' Kim just as I am to my close friends, now this certainly doesn't equant to crazy fan behaviour... I keep things under control. If I say anything that comes across crazy it's probably something I wouldn't go through with as I respect these people too much to annoy or hurt them in any way, so I stay clear of the stalking!
The 14th of Feb is a special day, it was a very special day this year indeed. The date marked the release of Lil' Kim's long coming mixtape Black Friday, the ultimate diss-tape packed full of dissy goodness!! Living up to my freaky girl rep I check the Lil' Kim fan club everyday just as I do my facebook, I waited eagerly for this glorious day to arrive and pretty much watched the mix tape grow..
When tuesday rolled around I rushed home from work with debit card in hand and followed the www.lilkimfanclub.com prompts on my way to ownership.
Like many other die hard fans I was confused, no download link, no follow up confirmation of purchase just $10 less in my bank account.

I contacted the person in charge of sales "rubyk_jones@yahoo.com" which I was certain was Kimmy's ma... and politely questioned when the frick was I gonna receive my flippin' mix tape!!!!!
I skimmed over others' comments and complaints on the fan site and got no answers until a few days later when I googled "Black Friday sales".

RECORD RECORD SALES, the bad bitch made millions in only a few days and shut down paypal!
Of course Kimmy kindly apologized via twitter to her adoring fans who were wondering what the deal was and explained that mix tape couldn't be downloaded but that she would send each person a physical copy of Black Friday and the first 100,000 would be signed!

I almost pissed my hot pants.
Seriously.
So.
Excited.

Just when I was beginning to push the anticipation to the back of my mind (in order to function normally) I got a slip in the mail advising me to pick up registered mail at the P.O. ..but alas it was only a standard envelope which lived a letter typed on Kimmy Blanco Inc stationary...


And it went a little something like this:

February 21,2011

Dear Lorelei ....SURNAME,

Due to the huge response we received from the Lil' Kim-Black Friday Mixtapes, we are experiencing a delay in filling some of the orders. Your order will be sent to you as soon as possible and should be arriving to you within 5-7 business days from this date.
Please accept my apologies for this delay and know I appreciate my team Lil' Kim Army more than anything.
All my love,

*signed*

Lil' Kim a.k.a. Kimmy Blanco

(a.k.a Queen Bee, a.k.a Miss White etc... etc... )



I'm pleased, I will wait patiently and have a Black Friday party in the mean time.
XXX Thanks for existing Kim.
Now I'm going to enjoy my soup's after taste & The Jump Rope on SYN fm.90.7

Seahorse balls & Long Blacks

It's been a long while since I've blogged a blog, dropped a few lines on this dead thing...just haven't had the energy/time between all the "rockstar" back up dancing & DJ gigs or the 400 hours of reception work I've been doing!!
I'll start off by saying my back up dancing gigs for Jade Leonard went down a treat, the first performance at Pinkaliscious second birthday bash and the second at St Kilda Pride March. My colleagues and I felt like novelty Marilyn Monroes at a theme park with the constant camera attention.
http://www.myspace.com/jadeleonardmusic

My previous two DJ gigs were mixed.. the first one management and security obviously couldn't handle my thugness.
Despite getting forcefully removed against my will at one gig, we had great feedback & our co-ordinating outfits are continuing strongly.


My dream life has been just as colourful, the other evening I had a whooper, I was at a seaside party and a strange fisherman had kindly given me freezer bags full of seahorse mince. I knew my mother would appreciate a homemade treat so I made her meatballs from seahorse and seaweed, I froze them and kept them under my pillow for a rainy day... or until I saw my mother later that afternoon at my grandmother's house. Meanwhile, my grandmother was getting my father to taste test her new honey custard which she was perfecting for Christmas day.

Anyway.... I must be off and finish my stove top long black in my kitty cat mug, I have a New Zealander coming to crash on my couch sooooooon!!!

Bye.

Going to the Chapel

Last night I had a dream that it was my planned wedding day and my mother had decorated her house and backyard for it.
Everyone was invited but the problem was the person she had arranged for me to marry was actually engaged to someone else. How embarassment.
I had to then text everyone to let them know that the wedding was postponed (until I found someone else to marry) but my mother never gave me the guest list so I was just guessing who was invited... errgh..
I'm sure if my mum had her way she would arrange my marriage.

Self Medicate

Hello,
here I am once again sick at home with some sort of mutant flu/period pain/throat infection fever like hell diesease AGAIN! Lucky I know the deal to avoid doctors at all costs (I hate doctors), I self medicate like a bawss.
I mustered up the energy to leave the house today and bought myself
1 drinking coconut http://www.coconutresearchcenter.org/
raspberries
peaches
avocado
and fresh bread..

a spoonful of Manuka honey and I should be right as rain tomorrow! I've finally watched Requiem for a Dream and now I'm seeing my self medicating routine in flashes and split screens.

On a good note, over the weekend my friends and I performed for the second time backing up the lovely Jade Leonard as the Camp Camp Revolution Dance Troupe at Pride March. It was a very proud and sparkling day (until I piked and was a sicky).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=71lLRW4f2-A <--- there's Jade being jazzy..
Speaking of performances, Brooklyn Queenz will be djing again so there is another excuse for me to wear a costume and get paid for having fun.

CTFO

First of all to start off this entry I hope you all had a very merry Ludacrismas & an enjoyble yet disappointing New Year's eve.
I know mine was, well.. at least it was lovely up until a dreadful glittery boob fest I attended against my will post countdown. I entered 20 (legs) 11 in the most fed up grumpy biatch way ever, cursing, crying and falling asleep home alone at 3am!
Before the point inwhich I went insane I had made up a motto for the new year, Chill the Fuck Out... Which I do need to do a lot more, stop getting irratated and unecessarily upset over tiny things in life. I wrote it on my knuckles, I fist bumped it throughout the night.. yet I didn't stick by it for longer than a few hours, hopefully it can follow me for the rest of the year.

JANUARY PLANS:
Just to stop myself waffling on about my unpleasantness in generally I want to share with you some exciting plans for January.

11th Jan- Brooklyn Queenz are djing somewhere in the city, (faux) Versace clad and dazzlingly orange for the occasion.

And... I plan to have a few dinner parties, eat more cheese, drink more wine and live the very few spare hours to the fullest!
Oh I've also totally lost my lust to write, I want it back.