14th under Ri Ri

As you should all know by now, all of the 13 people in the UK who read my blog or whoever, I love Lil' Kim (understatement) and last year was heartbroken when she canceled her show here not once but twice (re-announced and then re-canceled due to Visa issues). Damn our borders and guidelines in Australia for being so strict but it seems Kim has put in the hard yakka to get that working Visa and is headlining for WINTERBEATZ festival next month!!!!!!!! Unfortunately I'm tardi with checking ticket sales and have missed out on the top notch ones, so instead of backing down and going for second best I will whinge and whine my way to getting a VIP or shall I say 'bling ring' standard of ticket.
It's really important that I'm up close as I can possibly be to this woman, she means so much to me... this is why a friend of mine an equally as enthused Kimmy fan suggested we get a hotel room in the ritziest hotel closest to the venue in order to 'bump into' her.
Just like Troy in Community when he meets his idol I'll probably stand there stunned and speechless. It's worth it.

NOW THIS IS WHERE IT GETS REALLY EXCITING: Yesterday I google image searched Lil' Kim green corset to find this picture...


But instead of getting this image of Kim at the 44th Grammy Awards, in between Ri Ri a couple of random Kim snaps and Nicki Minaj rearing her ugly mug ... in 14th place was my face! Fuck! Who's happy? Me.. yes. Tagging every god damn blog entry from now on.
Yours sincerely, Lorelei for team QueenBee!

Death row

I have not so recently come to the conclusion that I consume a ridiculous amount of cheese (and many different kinds) late at night which results in upset tummies in the early hours and disturbingly vivid dreams. Admittedly I have been doing this on purpose to have the strange dreams, otherwise what else would I tell people during the day at work? There is only so much I can rant about my latest flame or the last wig I purchased/the upcoming.
A few weeks ago I had a really horrible nightmare that my father was purposely ignoring me and leaving me out of things because I refused his invitation to go fishing with him, I woke up crying and felt really terrible all day. I made sure I called him and he told me not to have anymore mean dreams about him, it worked! A few nights later I had another dream about my dad but the content was more extreme...Basically our neighbour's daughter followed me into my house (parents') and I was thinking to myself I hate this girl, why is she following me? When my dad got home from work we decided to murder her, except she wasn't human anymore, she had turned into a life sized doll with legs made from stuffed pantyhose.
Of course that made it easier to violently thrash her to a pulp with various. It took a while but the job was complete by dark, we had to dispose of the remains out the back in the lane. Outside the gate was the man who we bought the tools from waiting by his ute for payment. He held swiped dad's credit card on a portable EFTPOS machine and shook his head at the screen " this is way too much, I can't charge you this!" The total cost of our killing supplies worked out to be 10 grand, the man offered to pay for it himself along with his own tools.
The man pointed to the tray of his ute which was stacked full of torso mannequins (male)
"It's easy when you have the right tools, but I just can't get rid of this!!"
He looked down at his hands which were covered in peeled skin and blood. At that moment my father and I looked at each in horror, as we then realised we had actually killed someone.

As disturbing as the content of the dream may have been I was really proud that dad and I should real father daughter teamwork in this and followed through with a difficult task successfully. Ha.
Dad reckons I've been watching too much of The Sopranos.
He's most likely right.