14th under Ri Ri

As you should all know by now, all of the 13 people in the UK who read my blog or whoever, I love Lil' Kim (understatement) and last year was heartbroken when she canceled her show here not once but twice (re-announced and then re-canceled due to Visa issues). Damn our borders and guidelines in Australia for being so strict but it seems Kim has put in the hard yakka to get that working Visa and is headlining for WINTERBEATZ festival next month!!!!!!!! Unfortunately I'm tardi with checking ticket sales and have missed out on the top notch ones, so instead of backing down and going for second best I will whinge and whine my way to getting a VIP or shall I say 'bling ring' standard of ticket.
It's really important that I'm up close as I can possibly be to this woman, she means so much to me... this is why a friend of mine an equally as enthused Kimmy fan suggested we get a hotel room in the ritziest hotel closest to the venue in order to 'bump into' her.
Just like Troy in Community when he meets his idol I'll probably stand there stunned and speechless. It's worth it.

NOW THIS IS WHERE IT GETS REALLY EXCITING: Yesterday I google image searched Lil' Kim green corset to find this picture...


But instead of getting this image of Kim at the 44th Grammy Awards, in between Ri Ri a couple of random Kim snaps and Nicki Minaj rearing her ugly mug ... in 14th place was my face! Fuck! Who's happy? Me.. yes. Tagging every god damn blog entry from now on.
Yours sincerely, Lorelei for team QueenBee!

Death row

I have not so recently come to the conclusion that I consume a ridiculous amount of cheese (and many different kinds) late at night which results in upset tummies in the early hours and disturbingly vivid dreams. Admittedly I have been doing this on purpose to have the strange dreams, otherwise what else would I tell people during the day at work? There is only so much I can rant about my latest flame or the last wig I purchased/the upcoming.
A few weeks ago I had a really horrible nightmare that my father was purposely ignoring me and leaving me out of things because I refused his invitation to go fishing with him, I woke up crying and felt really terrible all day. I made sure I called him and he told me not to have anymore mean dreams about him, it worked! A few nights later I had another dream about my dad but the content was more extreme...Basically our neighbour's daughter followed me into my house (parents') and I was thinking to myself I hate this girl, why is she following me? When my dad got home from work we decided to murder her, except she wasn't human anymore, she had turned into a life sized doll with legs made from stuffed pantyhose.
Of course that made it easier to violently thrash her to a pulp with various. It took a while but the job was complete by dark, we had to dispose of the remains out the back in the lane. Outside the gate was the man who we bought the tools from waiting by his ute for payment. He held swiped dad's credit card on a portable EFTPOS machine and shook his head at the screen " this is way too much, I can't charge you this!" The total cost of our killing supplies worked out to be 10 grand, the man offered to pay for it himself along with his own tools.
The man pointed to the tray of his ute which was stacked full of torso mannequins (male)
"It's easy when you have the right tools, but I just can't get rid of this!!"
He looked down at his hands which were covered in peeled skin and blood. At that moment my father and I looked at each in horror, as we then realised we had actually killed someone.

As disturbing as the content of the dream may have been I was really proud that dad and I should real father daughter teamwork in this and followed through with a difficult task successfully. Ha.
Dad reckons I've been watching too much of The Sopranos.
He's most likely right.

Madonna in Art.

Pretty much can't say much other than I lost my shit in Savers today when my friend found the book "MADONNA IN ART" thirty bucks later I've added to my reedonkulusly large collection of Madonna related 'things'. I am now in danger of buying dodge Madonna fan art off eBay and plastering my walls with it. Oh yeah I'm a mad woman. MAD DONNA
wow. Terrible 'it's bed time' joke.

Livin' on borrowed time

... It's taken me a while to write anything due to a few reasons, A: I've become increasingly stupid in the last few weeks B: Lost my blog 'hard on' since someone told me they actually read it and started quoting parts of my blog to me, no negative nor positive feedback so it just freaked me out... and yeah general business with work, dealing with the dickheads of this world.
Lucky I waited because I have a hideous tale of boganism to tell everyone (all three people who read my blog)! Last friday night I played the role of loyal friend quite decently by agreeing to accompany a friend of mine to Ferntree Gully (whoop whoop) Hotel for her new 'friend's' work drinks. She didn't want to go out there alone, but she felt mean refusing the invite. We expected a quiet daggy RSL or pub with a few bogans, so thought we'd at least be able to survive that with each others' support however we were rudely confronted with this 'glitzy' eighties themed night-full blown 29 dollar cover charge style! Fuck off. We were greeted at the door by a bunch of middle aged women dressed in 80's attire and smokin' fags.
"Are youz two girls lesbians?"
Cool, from the word go they were making homophobic cracks at my friend and I, keep in mind these women had crimped hair and acid wash denim on...well something along those lines anyway. My jaw literally dropped when we found out we had to pay for this night of hell, we were pretty much trapped in a room filled with bad mullets and an Irish 80's cover band which opened with a really GREAT racist Bin Laden joke with a sheep fucking theme. Oh the crowd went wild for them, especially when they brought a member of The Models up on stage to bust out some tracks, the lead singer had this Rod Stewart look going on and refused to remove his sunglasses like a real rock star. THERE WAS A JIM BEAM MURAL ON THE FRIGGIN' WALL!!!!
We were cashless, pretty much relying on my friend's little shaved headed mate to purchase us beers all night (no way I would be living if there was no alcohol involved) and at this point I turned to my friend and said "chop my arm off, I don't want to live", tears streaming down my face.

You may think that's a dramatized version of my reaction but it's the complete truth and it was in no way an over reaction. The people surrounding me looked mean, I had this feeling like all the shag permed women wanted to pin me to the wall and beat the crap out of me.
A bald man in a BAD Hawaiian shirt gave me the eye, I threw up in my mouth then got distracted by the very serious dancing to Goanna- Solid Rock (I do like this song). My friend and I were looking for an escape so we headed outside for a ciggie, I'm not a smoker but this was clearly an extreme circumstance.

Outside in the cramped smoking area we met a young lady named Kylie who confidently grabbed our faces and told us we were too gorgeous to be hanging out with the guy we were with. Flattering I guess but she was laying on the compliments thickly and she made me uncomfortable with all the groping.

A women walked past and sneakily flashed the mini champagne bottle she was stuffing in the pocket of her black cargo pants "better hide this ey".

This crusty young, 'trendy' guy with badly formed dreadlocks and a tie-dyed t-shirt asked to take our photograph for some facebook page, once we told him he already asked us inside and the answer was no he got really embarrassed. He repeatedly kissed his index finger and middle finger at us.

OH ... I couldn't count the number of 'bald with long plated mullet' hairstyles the gentlemen were sporting or the number of really bad tattoos, Kylie's being a ying yang with a border of yellow vines under her breasts. Yes she flashed me.
Because we were relying on a lift home, we didn't get out of there until 12.30am, "Ferntree Gully Hotel next weekend?"
HELLZ NO.


:( BOOO...

I had to really pull off the rest of my weekend in style, dirty dancehall dancing at a party the following night. Think the video of Sean Paul's - Get Busy...












*** have a new friend. Her name is Aly. We do our groceries together. She lives around the corner. :)***

Only the Lonely

And not just a catchy song (or two, or more).. it's my life right now. My three beautiful housemates have neglected me for more than a few nights and I'm going mad. I'm actually excited to go to work and talk to people. The other day my mother didn't even have time to come in for a cuppa...really sad. The upside of being home alone though is I can be a stinky messy dork who dances hardcore in the lounge room to hip hop and no one will know (until I broadcast it on the web), but really it doesn't measure up to the great company I usually have in this house. Last night I was fearing for my life because I swear I heard footsteps! I had to stay up and keep guard, keeping myself calm with adorable Pac Div video clips. I MIGHT JUST SLEEP WITH A KNIFE TONIGHT!!! GAAAAH... I'm going mad, I actually put a washing basket on my back today at work and pretended to be a turtle.
Shit. Hot. Damn.
Oh and I ended the day by doing the dishes and salting a slug.
Fun. Well Hopefully the Easter break will bring me company and fun!

Outfit good, flatters butt: team sports

Outfit good, flatters butt: team sports

team sports

It's probably because I'm very much getting back into AFL because my team is actually playing properly and winning games but last night I had a really odd dream, I was at this football stadium watching a match from the 1970's. The game was projected onto the ground so it was like one of those virtual video games and it was like a real life footy match. They had different years you could choose from, dad and I were then going to buy tickets to see the 1993 grand final. So cool.

Anyway.. speaking of team sports, I successfully avoided a tournament of 'family' cricket at some work related picnic today due to bi-polar weather and lack of team members, FEWF!! Saved by rain my dear friend Courtney and I went to our favourite eatery in the city, Dumpz but we found it difficult to eat to the sound of Dionne Warwick singing 'I'll Never Fall in Love Again' (just one verse and chorus) on loop as if the record was broken. I just wanted to bash my head against the greasy wood veneered walls or stab those red plastic chopsticks in my ears!
We then went home and searched for Japanese Spritz puppies on the trading post and decided we sort of need one between the two of us, I mean have you seen what these dogs look like???

OH, almost forgot... Black Friday mixtape is now in my possession- Proudly listening to it on repeat.

Do the Kimmy gurl rock.xx