Livin' on borrowed time

... It's taken me a while to write anything due to a few reasons, A: I've become increasingly stupid in the last few weeks B: Lost my blog 'hard on' since someone told me they actually read it and started quoting parts of my blog to me, no negative nor positive feedback so it just freaked me out... and yeah general business with work, dealing with the dickheads of this world.
Lucky I waited because I have a hideous tale of boganism to tell everyone (all three people who read my blog)! Last friday night I played the role of loyal friend quite decently by agreeing to accompany a friend of mine to Ferntree Gully (whoop whoop) Hotel for her new 'friend's' work drinks. She didn't want to go out there alone, but she felt mean refusing the invite. We expected a quiet daggy RSL or pub with a few bogans, so thought we'd at least be able to survive that with each others' support however we were rudely confronted with this 'glitzy' eighties themed night-full blown 29 dollar cover charge style! Fuck off. We were greeted at the door by a bunch of middle aged women dressed in 80's attire and smokin' fags.
"Are youz two girls lesbians?"
Cool, from the word go they were making homophobic cracks at my friend and I, keep in mind these women had crimped hair and acid wash denim on...well something along those lines anyway. My jaw literally dropped when we found out we had to pay for this night of hell, we were pretty much trapped in a room filled with bad mullets and an Irish 80's cover band which opened with a really GREAT racist Bin Laden joke with a sheep fucking theme. Oh the crowd went wild for them, especially when they brought a member of The Models up on stage to bust out some tracks, the lead singer had this Rod Stewart look going on and refused to remove his sunglasses like a real rock star. THERE WAS A JIM BEAM MURAL ON THE FRIGGIN' WALL!!!!
We were cashless, pretty much relying on my friend's little shaved headed mate to purchase us beers all night (no way I would be living if there was no alcohol involved) and at this point I turned to my friend and said "chop my arm off, I don't want to live", tears streaming down my face.

You may think that's a dramatized version of my reaction but it's the complete truth and it was in no way an over reaction. The people surrounding me looked mean, I had this feeling like all the shag permed women wanted to pin me to the wall and beat the crap out of me.
A bald man in a BAD Hawaiian shirt gave me the eye, I threw up in my mouth then got distracted by the very serious dancing to Goanna- Solid Rock (I do like this song). My friend and I were looking for an escape so we headed outside for a ciggie, I'm not a smoker but this was clearly an extreme circumstance.

Outside in the cramped smoking area we met a young lady named Kylie who confidently grabbed our faces and told us we were too gorgeous to be hanging out with the guy we were with. Flattering I guess but she was laying on the compliments thickly and she made me uncomfortable with all the groping.

A women walked past and sneakily flashed the mini champagne bottle she was stuffing in the pocket of her black cargo pants "better hide this ey".

This crusty young, 'trendy' guy with badly formed dreadlocks and a tie-dyed t-shirt asked to take our photograph for some facebook page, once we told him he already asked us inside and the answer was no he got really embarrassed. He repeatedly kissed his index finger and middle finger at us.

OH ... I couldn't count the number of 'bald with long plated mullet' hairstyles the gentlemen were sporting or the number of really bad tattoos, Kylie's being a ying yang with a border of yellow vines under her breasts. Yes she flashed me.
Because we were relying on a lift home, we didn't get out of there until 12.30am, "Ferntree Gully Hotel next weekend?"
HELLZ NO.


:( BOOO...

I had to really pull off the rest of my weekend in style, dirty dancehall dancing at a party the following night. Think the video of Sean Paul's - Get Busy...












*** have a new friend. Her name is Aly. We do our groceries together. She lives around the corner. :)***